I wonder how it happnens, connecting so much with someone to the point of thinking you could spend the rest of your life with that someone? What do guys really look for in a girl? And why do they suddenly change their minds about you? Is it worth sacrificing an inportant part of yourself when you think this relationship is going places??
I could spend my days asking myself all these questions, and virtually lose sleep over them. It can't be healthy one assumes. They're things that shouldn't fog up our minds, but rather we should be able to confide in that special someone if we really do have that many doubts. Who better than that person to pour your heart out to??
I'm afraid that's all I can think about this week. And I hate myself for it. It would be great to select these thoughts out of my brain and double click them into the garbage disposal. But lets face facts, I'm no computer.
Wouldn't it be nice to be a computer?? I often think about it, but then I come to realize there's no feelings. Not to say that would sometimes be useful to confront certain situations, but truth be said we need to feel everything, pain and happiness, love and regret, just to become the people we are. Bad decisions and weaknesses make us human beings, and the what we think are our biggest flaws can come over as something beatiful to someone else. I have to admit that's one of my biggest weaknesses, seeing people show their true feelings, even if that person happens to be my biggest enemy, even if it's someone that's made my life a living hell. Feelings should not make you vunerable, but rather show you're a human with flesh and blood that needs to be cared for. There's no weakness in that at all.
I think the biggest difficulty that merges from having Dyspraxia is interpreting all these feelings, as well as having to deal with them. I often find myself in tears, something that has led people to thinking I'm all about feeling sorry for myself. And the worst part of it all, is that I dont know whether to agree with them or not. Do I feel to sorry for myself?? Am I just crying for attention, given the fact that my spoken words no longer fool anyone? If thats the fact, what on earth do I do?? I dont want to be like this, but I find that confiding these troubles to someone is yet another childish cry for attention. And now by saying I have no one to talk to is yet another desperate attempt for some cheap affection. I'm caught up in this vicious circle from which I can't seem to escape.
This leads me to thinking I will never ever have a meaninful relationship with anyone. Everyone I have ever been involved with seems to just drift away, or gives a pathetic excuse for leaving. It's happened so many times that all I can think about is that it's me that's got the problem. But it doesnt exactly have a solution I can just turn to and forget about everything.
I will admit to the fact I dont tell people I have dyspraxia. I would only tell someone if it was strictly necessary. I came to think telling my ex about it was a good idea. Things were going so well, and he seemed so understanding about all my issues, that I really thought I could trust him with this. But as it turns out, I'm so glad I never said anything. He probably doesnt even know what it is. Then again, knowing about it would probably explain 99% of my issues. The shyness, the awkwardness, the inability to be in an intimate situation... But I never said a thing. Part of me thinks it would have been a good idea, after all a relationship without trust can't go anywhere. But then I think of the exposure of it all. And seeing his attitude the last days we were toguether makes me realize he would have just used it as an excuse to break things off.
I dont really know how to conclude this chapter of my life. I miss him ever so much, even though I constantly kid myself into thinking the opposite. He's basically the best think that ever happened to me, and I just pushed him away with my attitude and issues. I often wonder how things would have been if I'd just come out and said it from the very beginning. But it's painful to think things would have been any different, because after all its a train that's passed and I've missed.
OK, final thoughts... Honesty is the base of all relationships, whether personal, professional... It's the only way forward, and the only way to live life with a clear conscience.